These kids. Without a doubt they keep me on my toes. They are the
largest contributors to my ever-high stress levels, but they also fill
my life with the most amazing sense of love that I've ever experienced. Earlier today. out of nowhere I had this ridiculously scary panic attack
about death. It was the strangest thing. The kids were napping, Jason
was reading a book/watching TV and I had fallen asleep, briefly, on the
couch. I woke up and there was a Disney commercial on TV. I thought to
myself how I'd love to live in Disney when I'm older so I could go all
the time, which then triggered the thought, na, Disney is more fun when
you're younger vs when I'm older, which then provoked the thought that
my "young" days are over.. and that the idea of doing something when I
was "young" won't ever be able to happen because, well, I'm in a
different phase of life and you only get one shot at things as "me
now". From there it all just spiraled out of control until I was in a
full blown panic attack. Asking Jason to explain to me what he thinks
happens after you die. I mean, I know he believes in Heaven, but I
wanted to hear what it is he thinks Heaven means.. how would it compare
to the physical world.. will our days still be routine and typical..
will you still have the same senses that we have now? For example, will
I still be able to hold his hand, kiss him goodnight.. one day would I
ever be able to embrace my kids again.. hug them and shower them with all the
love I have for them? We're talking a total melt down here.. tears,
anxiety, trouble breathing..! I am not religious. My beliefs are very
grounded and nature based. I truly do believe in reincarnation.. I
believe that our souls are part of a universal energy that is inherent
in all living things and when you die, that energy goes back to the
Earth. But, what does that mean as far as my memories go. When I die,
will I remember this life? Will I remember the love I have for my
children? The love I have for my husband? Will it just be like wiping
the slate clean and starting all over again.. except for maybe a few dejavu` moments in my next life? And what happens if God forbid we're
all wrong.. and there is no Heaven, no Summerlands, no reincarnation?
What if you die and it's all just.. black. Nothing. The end. This consumed me for a good
few hours... scaring the crap out of me.
It's strange.
Death was never something I really "worried" about until recently.
Until having children. Knowing that it is my job.. my responsibility,
my role as their Mother to provide and care for them.. raise them into
strong, independent adults.. nurture them and love them for eternity..
the idea that my life, which now has such a greater importance, is not
guaranteed is terrifying. Forget about acknowledging the fact that
their lives also aren't guaranteed.. that, I seriously cannot even
process, and refuse to even let my mind consider.
It's
just very scary. There has only been a handful of times that Jason and I
have both been apart from the children. And, every time that happens, I
get this enormous lump in my stomach thinking the worst thoughts.
Makes me a fantastic date..! My sister recently watched the kids for
Jason and I so we could have dinner out together, and the whole drive
there I worried about something terrible happening.. like us getting
into an accident or something.. and how unprepared we are.. it was quite
the mood setter. Needless to say, I doubt Jason will be asking me out
to dinner again anytime soon!
Seriously, though.. all
this worry and panic has provoked the conversation of us generating a
will.. a set of wishes.. what we would want for our children.. who we'd
want to care for them.. things that are important to us.. values we'd
want instilled in them.. etc. We've not done it yet.. but we know it's
something that needs to be done. Not a pleasant thing.. quite morbid,
actually.. but it's important. This is a whole different side to
parenting that you don't think about... preparing for the worst case
scenarios. Blergh.
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