Things to be thankful for.

One of my favorite aspects of the Holiday Season is the strong focus on family.  Although I try and make sure to acknowledge and appreciate my family & friends throughout the year, the Holidays tend to encourage people to be more vocal about the things they are thankful for. Here are a few of the things I'm eternally grateful for this year.. in no particular order.

1.  My children. 

My boys are my world.  Life is fragile.  Life is delicate.  Life is often not appreciated the way it should be.  Finding out about the passing of a close family friend's son has truly rattled me.  My heart aches for them immensely.  It has also terrified me. 

As a Mother, I want nothing more in life than to protect my boys and raise them "correctly".  Correctly.. what does that even mean? There is no such thing.  My hope is for them to become strong, independent adults.. Men who are not afraid to be compassionate, loving and nurturing.. I want them to always be kind, forgiving and inquisitive.. to not be afraid of life and all the experiences it has to offer.. but, most importantly, I want them to be wise.. wise in their decision making.. if there is one thing that I've learned since becoming a parent (and one thing that terrifies me), it's that as much as I may desire, I can not control my children.  I can not always guarantee their safety.  I can lead them.  I can teach them.  But, at the end of the day, their decisions are their own. As a parent, all I can do is hope that I've given them all the tools they may need while navigating this complex world we live in.  For me, recognizing this lack of "control" is scary.

As a woman who has experienced miscarriage, perhaps I find myself more sensitive to this topic of wanting to protect my children.  From the day I found out I was pregnant with both my babies, my focus changed.  Each time my mind switched and the focus was to do anything and everything I could to protect my growing child.  I spent both my pregnancies filled with worry.. always wanting to make sure I was doing what was "right" for them.. always hoping that everything was going to be fine.  Each and every high risk appointment we went to, I had knots in my gut afraid of what they might see.  I remember when I was pregnant with Owen.. I kept saying to my husband.. once the baby is born and we know he's okay, all the worry will stop.  Seriously, I was so naive!  The worry has only escalated.  Instead of worrying about what's going on inside my body.. something I had very little control of anyway, now I have to worry about everything else!  Am I feeding them enough, are they sleeping enough, are they crying because I'm doing something wrong? Are they hot, cold, sick, bored? What is this bump, why is that temperature not going away, how come he isn't making great eye contact?  The worry is intense and constant. 

It brings me back to why I'm grateful.  Despite the worry and the fears of the future, these boys have filled my heart with so much love and joy and pride.  They are absolutely perfect right now.  They are healthy and thriving.  They are growing, laughing and learning by the second.  There is not a day that goes by that I don't look them in the eye and feel so thankful for the blessing I've been given by having them in my life.  They have changed me forever.  They have made me such a better person.  When I was in college, there was no doubt that I wanted to get my doctorate.. I thought for sure I'd be the type that fought to climb that career ladder!  Sure, my career still has meaning to me, and perhaps one day I will return back to get that PhD, but the satisfaction that comes from my career can not even compare to what I feel from being a Mother.  I remember while growing up my Mom would always tell us how much she loved us, and say that we'd never understand until we had children of her own.  She was right.  As much as I thought I knew the power of love, nothing compares to the emotional connection I have with my boys.  I am so thankful to have them in my life.  I am so thankful to be be given this opportunity to be their mother.  I will always strive to be the best Mother I can be.. and I hope and pray that I can keep them safe forever. 

2.  My husband.

If my boys turn out to be even just half the man my husband is, we will have succeeded.  My husband is my world.  Another year.  Another pregnancy.  Another birth.  Another post-pregnancy hormone crash causing crazy all-over-the-place mood swings.  And he still loves me for me.  He is an incredible support person, an irreplaceable friend, and one hell of a partner!  Above all the things he is to me, even more amazing is his ability as a Father.  I never doubted that he'd be a wonderful Dad, but he has surpassed each and every expectation I've ever had for him.  His love for our boys is incredible.  There is something about watching the man you love handling your newborn baby.. it just makes you fall in love all over again.  Seeing that sensitive, delicate side.. seeing the raw emotion through his eyes.. seeing the love he has for your baby.. he is a truly wonderful man, and to say I'm grateful to be able to call him my husband is an understatement.

3.  My family.

I am very fortunate in the sense that I have such a close relationship with my parents and 2 sisters.  Had you asked me 10 years ago if I one day would refer to my Mom as my best friend, I'm not sure if my answer would have been yes (my 16 year old self probably would have been too stubborn to say  yes!).  My parents, in many ways, have become idols.. my role models.  As has my older Sister, my Grandparents, my Aunts and my in-laws.  I see the strength in all the family ties that surround us and I know that J and I strive to uphold these same standards in our own family as the years go on.  Family is so important. Being surrounded by so many people that not only love J and I, but also our boys is incredible.  We want them both to know how special they are to us and to all those we love.  We are truly grateful for the relationships that our boys will have with all of our family.  Not all children are blessed with that.

When I look at my relationship with my parents, especially with my Mother, I can't help but hope that one day I'll have this same relationship with Owen and Aidan.  I know how much my parents mean to me.. I know how much I enjoy spending time with them.. we laugh, we kid, we reminisce.. I can only hope that when my boys are grown, they, too, will want to come home and spend time with us.  That they, too, will find comfort in being surrounded by family.  My Mom has always called me a "home-body".. I do hope my boys will be this way, too.  I'm incredibly grateful for the way my parents have raised me and all the support and love they've showered me with through the years. 

4. Too many other things to list.

I could ramble on for hours on end about being thankful for our beautiful home that will shelter us while we raise our children, or the security both J and I have had in our jobs, or the old friendships that have recently been rekindling over this past year that I value so much.. I could talk about how grateful I am for the play dates I've had with my boys.. teaching them at such a young age the importance of friendship but, alas, I think this post has gotten long enough.  November is often a month where we recollect on all the things we're thankful for, as I've done, but these are things I'm thankful for all year long.  I'm blessed to be blessed with so many blessings :)

Milestone Books.

Milestone books.  Ya know, the ones that say "by X amount of months your kid should be doing Y".  They should all be taken out of print.  Burned.  Banned from the parenting communities!  When Owen was first born, I bought several parenting/milestone books thinking it was the "right" thing to do.  It would help me make sure my child(ren) was on the right path with hitting all of his developmental milestones.  Except, the reality is all those books have done is make me paranoid about everything! 

Owen didn't repeatedly roll over until something like 8 months?  And, he didn't crawl until 11ish months.. but he walked at just over a year (about the only milestone we reached on time).. Now, at 16 months, he still barely says any words.. he is capable of speaking, he just chooses not to.. his common words are: mama or mom.. baba.. chunk (unk).. vroom.. and then a handful of other things he's said maybe 3-5 times each.. such as I love you..biggest fluke ever.. said it two days in a row, and then nothing since!.. Dada.. which has become more of a game, I think.. he just likes to not say it because it riles us up.. and up. The point is, almost every "milestone" that he should have hit, he's been behind on.  And, each and every time it gave me anxiety. 

And then there's Aidan.. at his 2 month appointment, the pediatrician pointed out that he wasn't making good eye contact or tracking.. after her saying this (and, of course, my reaction was "No no no, he does wonderful at home!"), I watched him like a hawk for the next month.  And, she was right.  He wasn't really interested in looking at me.  He didn't really care to see my face.. or even Daddy's face.. he was just more interested in looking around.  The Pedi was very clear that this was something he should be doing by 3 months.  So, when 3 months came and he still wasn't following me (or toys), I started to get scared.  Several nights I cried thinking there might be something wrong.  But, I just continued watching him... have you ever heard the expression "a watched pot doesn't boil".. I swear that's what was going on!  I went back to work shortly after he turned 3 months and Aidan man has been home with Daddy and OJo.  And Daddy.. my laid back, go with the flow husband.. he just let them be.  And wouldn't you know, in this past month Aidan has changed so much.  He looks for us when we speak, he stares at us, and smiles and coos back.. he will happily follow toys when we're playing with him, etc.  He's perfectly fine.  All the worry and fear and tears on my part were for nothing!

As a Mom, I want the best for my kids.  I want them to thrive as children, grow up to be responsible, successful, and loving adults.  I want the world for them both.  So, when I read in a book that "your child should be reciting 3/4 of the dictionary by the time he's 18 months" (exaggerating, of course), it worries me that my kid is "behind".. or when I read about the importance of eye contact in the first 3 months and how it can be an indicator of other issues I can't help but get nervous.  It's my job to be vigilant.. to protect them.. to teach them.. to nurture them.  So, isn't is also my job to worry?

In the end.. what have I learned?  My kids are perfectly fine!  Those books are based on standards.. averages.. learning curves.  I'm a scientist!  I, of all people, should understand that these types of timelines are based on medians, averages, etc.  There will always be examples of children who reach milestones earlier, and there will always be children who reach them later.  The point is, my boys do and will reach their milestones.. it's just at their own pace.  And, there's nothing wrong with that!  For years, people have been telling me that the answers aren't always in the "books".. and in this scenario, they're right!  I'm truly going to try and STOP reading those annoying milestone books.. or emails from "The Bump" and "Enfamil".. instead I'm going to trust my instincts.. who cares if my children are on the downward slope of the bell curve?  They are still on the curve, and that's all that matters!

No more worrying for me.. until the next milestone, of course :)

Halloween Success!

Halloween was a success!  Despite our previous attempt of trying on Owen's costume (which lead to a screaming sobbing toddler) this time it was a much better experience; he happily put the spider suit on without any tears.  I think seeing Alex and Liam (his cousins) all dressed up helped distract him! We only trick-or-treated for a short while, but it was fun - neither child had a meltdown!  However, there were a few party fails along the way.. like, Daddy forgetting to bring the "spider head" hat portion of Owen's costume.. and, Mommy forgetting to actually take some pictures of my kids in costume.. in our defense, we were a little rushed.  Both boys decided to take exceptionally long naps (which, I'm grateful for!!), which meant we were already running late.. and then the weather wasn't super cooperative.. it was 70+ degrees (which was nuts) but drizzling off and on so we weren't really sure how long our trick-or-treating adventures would last with the threat of rain closing in.. so yea, the picture taking sort of took a backseat, minus a few quick snaps complements of my Sister!

 The trick-or-treating crew (minus Aidan)! Mario and Luigi are my nephews.

Owen really enjoyed the freedom.. it's certainly not every day that we let him run a muck trampling across peoples' front yards!  If I'm honest, that used to be a pet peeve of mine.. seeing kids running across the grass instead of using the walkways.. except, now that I have my own kids I have a much better understanding of why that happens!! Trying to explain to a 1 year old that he shouldn't run on the grass is like talking to a wall.  After about the 3rd house I just gave up and let him go.. and then by the 5th house, he was too tired to run anymore anyway, so Daddy was the lucky winner and got to carry him.

I must admit, it's been really great having J home with the boys these past few weeks (his company permits him to take 8 weeks paternity).  Especially with me working part time now, and having Thurs/Fri off, it's been so nice having those extra 2 days a week to do family things.  Friday we decided to take the boys to Adventure Aquarium.  We purchased season passes last year.. definitely worth the money!  We had gone a few times while Owen was younger.. it was a nice change of scenery and kept him somewhat occupied.. but this was the first time we've gone since Owen has become mobile, and it was SO much fun!  He had a blast!  They have an entire section dedicated for little kids which Owen loved.  I think one of my favorite parts about the "toddler" age is watching the excitement on his face when he's discovering new things! 

Aidan man was great, too.. he's such a calm baby.  He really is.. he's happy, he's content.. all you have to do is feed the kid and give him love and he will smile and coo and snuggle all day long! He makes us contemplate what I once thought would be total insanity.. the idea of 3U3!

We are finishing off the weekend just relaxing at home.  Daddy and his boys are watching the Eagles game (currently winning!! But, there's still 10 minutes in the 4th quarter.. we've seen them blow it with much less time!).. I've spent much of the day making homemade chicken soup.. the house smells amazing!  Just a lazy Sunday before I head back to work tomorrow.. thank goodness for 3 day work weeks!  I don't think I will ever be able to go back to full time =)