1. My children.
My boys are my world. Life is fragile. Life is delicate. Life is often not appreciated the way it should be. Finding out about the passing of a close family friend's son has truly rattled me. My heart aches for them immensely. It has also terrified me.
As a Mother, I want nothing more in life than to protect my boys and raise them "correctly". Correctly.. what does that even mean? There is no such thing. My hope is for them to become strong, independent adults.. Men who are not afraid to be compassionate, loving and nurturing.. I want them to always be kind, forgiving and inquisitive.. to not be afraid of life and all the experiences it has to offer.. but, most importantly, I want them to be wise.. wise in their decision making.. if there is one thing that I've learned since becoming a parent (and one thing that terrifies me), it's that as much as I may desire, I can not control my children. I can not always guarantee their safety. I can lead them. I can teach them. But, at the end of the day, their decisions are their own. As a parent, all I can do is hope that I've given them all the tools they may need while navigating this complex world we live in. For me, recognizing this lack of "control" is scary.
As a woman who has experienced miscarriage, perhaps I find myself more sensitive to this topic of wanting to protect my children. From the day I found out I was pregnant with both my babies, my focus changed. Each time my mind switched and the focus was to do anything and everything I could to protect my growing child. I spent both my pregnancies filled with worry.. always wanting to make sure I was doing what was "right" for them.. always hoping that everything was going to be fine. Each and every high risk appointment we went to, I had knots in my gut afraid of what they might see. I remember when I was pregnant with Owen.. I kept saying to my husband.. once the baby is born and we know he's okay, all the worry will stop. Seriously, I was so naive! The worry has only escalated. Instead of worrying about what's going on inside my body.. something I had very little control of anyway, now I have to worry about everything else! Am I feeding them enough, are they sleeping enough, are they crying because I'm doing something wrong? Are they hot, cold, sick, bored? What is this bump, why is that temperature not going away, how come he isn't making great eye contact? The worry is intense and constant.
It brings me back to why I'm grateful. Despite the worry and the fears of the future, these boys have filled my heart with so much love and joy and pride. They are absolutely perfect right now. They are healthy and thriving. They are growing, laughing and learning by the second. There is not a day that goes by that I don't look them in the eye and feel so thankful for the blessing I've been given by having them in my life. They have changed me forever. They have made me such a better person. When I was in college, there was no doubt that I wanted to get my doctorate.. I thought for sure I'd be the type that fought to climb that career ladder! Sure, my career still has meaning to me, and perhaps one day I will return back to get that PhD, but the satisfaction that comes from my career can not even compare to what I feel from being a Mother. I remember while growing up my Mom would always tell us how much she loved us, and say that we'd never understand until we had children of her own. She was right. As much as I thought I knew the power of love, nothing compares to the emotional connection I have with my boys. I am so thankful to have them in my life. I am so thankful to be be given this opportunity to be their mother. I will always strive to be the best Mother I can be.. and I hope and pray that I can keep them safe forever.
2. My husband.
If my boys turn out to be even just half the man my husband is, we will have succeeded. My husband is my world. Another year. Another pregnancy. Another birth. Another post-pregnancy hormone crash causing crazy all-over-the-place mood swings. And he still loves me for me. He is an incredible support person, an irreplaceable friend, and one hell of a partner! Above all the things he is to me, even more amazing is his ability as a Father. I never doubted that he'd be a wonderful Dad, but he has surpassed each and every expectation I've ever had for him. His love for our boys is incredible. There is something about watching the man you love handling your newborn baby.. it just makes you fall in love all over again. Seeing that sensitive, delicate side.. seeing the raw emotion through his eyes.. seeing the love he has for your baby.. he is a truly wonderful man, and to say I'm grateful to be able to call him my husband is an understatement.
3. My family.
I am very fortunate in the sense that I have such a close relationship with my parents and 2 sisters. Had you asked me 10 years ago if I one day would refer to my Mom as my best friend, I'm not sure if my answer would have been yes (my 16 year old self probably would have been too stubborn to say yes!). My parents, in many ways, have become idols.. my role models. As has my older Sister, my Grandparents, my Aunts and my in-laws. I see the strength in all the family ties that surround us and I know that J and I strive to uphold these same standards in our own family as the years go on. Family is so important. Being surrounded by so many people that not only love J and I, but also our boys is incredible. We want them both to know how special they are to us and to all those we love. We are truly grateful for the relationships that our boys will have with all of our family. Not all children are blessed with that.
When I look at my relationship with my parents, especially with my Mother, I can't help but hope that one day I'll have this same relationship with Owen and Aidan. I know how much my parents mean to me.. I know how much I enjoy spending time with them.. we laugh, we kid, we reminisce.. I can only hope that when my boys are grown, they, too, will want to come home and spend time with us. That they, too, will find comfort in being surrounded by family. My Mom has always called me a "home-body".. I do hope my boys will be this way, too. I'm incredibly grateful for the way my parents have raised me and all the support and love they've showered me with through the years.
4. Too many other things to list.
I could ramble on for hours on end about being thankful for our beautiful home that will shelter us while we raise our children, or the security both J and I have had in our jobs, or the old friendships that have recently been rekindling over this past year that I value so much.. I could talk about how grateful I am for the play dates I've had with my boys.. teaching them at such a young age the importance of friendship but, alas, I think this post has gotten long enough. November is often a month where we recollect on all the things we're thankful for, as I've done, but these are things I'm thankful for all year long. I'm blessed to be blessed with so many blessings :)
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