It's not all roses, that's for sure!

Thinking back to when I was pregnant with Owen, I can remember various conversations with colleagues of mine who were Mother's already.. most of these conversations centered around the aspects of parenting that aren't often addressed in the "What to expect" books.. I can remember them telling me horror stories about the newborn weeks, and preparing me for the dreadful pain that would come with breastfeeding.. the lack of personal space and PRIVACY that you're essentially giving up for the next 18+ years.. Between having several Mom friends through work, my Sister, who has my 2 handsome nephews, and a handful of friends that already had children, I thought I was pretty well prepared.  I thought I had a pretty good grasp that things weren't always going to be sunshine and rainbows.  However, there was one thing that no one really prepared me for... everyone talks about the highlights of being a Mother, and the amazing feelings that go along with it.. but no one really told me that as quickly as these little beings can make you feel on top of the world, they can also tear down your self confidence in mere moments.

I remember before I had Owen feeling so excited to bring this little human into the world.. this little person, who would look at me with all the trust and love he could muster up.. who would immediately love me back as much as I love him.  I never really thought about how it would make ME feel when instead of looking down at that tiny new face and getting a smile, you get a wailing, screaming baby.. or instead of rocking them and staring lovingly into their eyes, they squirm and kick and push to get out of your arms!  Those were definitely things that tested the limits of my self esteem early on, but those things I kind of anticipated..

What I didn't anticipate is the slap in the face that can also be referred to as "the Daddy phase".  Ya know, the phase where Momma is completely unnecessary and unacceptable for any and all tasks related to their needs if Daddy is home? I remember going through this same thing with Owen, and we're dead in the middle of it again with Aidan.    It's been about 5 months of this Daddy phase with Aidan.  I'm an "acceptable" choice when Daddy isn't home, but the second Daddy does arrive, suddenly I'm chopped liver.  The way this child will scream for his Daddy... man, oh man, you'd think I was ripping off his toe nails with tweezers or something.. it is a full on face-turning-purple, can't take a breath type of crying from the second he hears Daddy until Daddy picks him up.  And, if for some reason Daddy puts him down.. it starts all over.

I'd be lying if I said it doesn't plant a seed of doubt in my mind.. if it doesn''t make me question my abilities as a Mother.. if it doesn't take my self confidence from A-OK all the way down to zero in an instant!  This is the power of your child!!  While I know that taking this "personally" is the wrong thing to do (hello -- irrational 11 month old we're talking about!!), it's still hard to not feel saddened by this.  I keep reminding myself of these same exact feelings I had when Owen went through this.. ironically enough (or, maybe not ironic.. maybe it's just timing) it happened around the same time I was getting ready to have Aidan.. and now again, right when miss Amelia will be arriving soon.. 

I guess part of how I feel about it all is amplified by the fact that I know big changes are coming soon.. Daddy will be spending more time taking care of the boys once Amelia is here and I'll be spending the majority of my time with her trying to establish ourselves a routine.. I keep trying to get in some extra snuggle time with Aidan here and there, but it's almost exclusively met with tears and resistance.  Jas normally does bedtime with Aidan.. he has since he was a baby.. so I tried tonight to switch it up and me do bedtime, hoping maybe I'd get 5 minutes to just hold him and snuggle.. no such luck, he pushed and kicked and whined and cried the entire time.. he was actually happier to go in his crib!  Sigh, epic fail.  Of course, this feeds into my regrets about not being able to nurse him.. I felt the same with Owen, too.. that somehow if we had nursed maybe this phase wouldn't have been so brutal!  All the more pressure to get it right with Amelia ;-)

At the end of the day.. I keep trying to remind myself that it's just a phase.. phases don't last forever.. Owen is very much a Momma's boy now despite going through this same exact phase.. actually, I'd say he's a glorious mix between a Momma's boy and a Daddy's boy..! I know Aidan man will come around.. but in the mean time.. it's just a bumpy ride for this Momma :)