It's not all roses, that's for sure!

Thinking back to when I was pregnant with Owen, I can remember various conversations with colleagues of mine who were Mother's already.. most of these conversations centered around the aspects of parenting that aren't often addressed in the "What to expect" books.. I can remember them telling me horror stories about the newborn weeks, and preparing me for the dreadful pain that would come with breastfeeding.. the lack of personal space and PRIVACY that you're essentially giving up for the next 18+ years.. Between having several Mom friends through work, my Sister, who has my 2 handsome nephews, and a handful of friends that already had children, I thought I was pretty well prepared.  I thought I had a pretty good grasp that things weren't always going to be sunshine and rainbows.  However, there was one thing that no one really prepared me for... everyone talks about the highlights of being a Mother, and the amazing feelings that go along with it.. but no one really told me that as quickly as these little beings can make you feel on top of the world, they can also tear down your self confidence in mere moments.

I remember before I had Owen feeling so excited to bring this little human into the world.. this little person, who would look at me with all the trust and love he could muster up.. who would immediately love me back as much as I love him.  I never really thought about how it would make ME feel when instead of looking down at that tiny new face and getting a smile, you get a wailing, screaming baby.. or instead of rocking them and staring lovingly into their eyes, they squirm and kick and push to get out of your arms!  Those were definitely things that tested the limits of my self esteem early on, but those things I kind of anticipated..

What I didn't anticipate is the slap in the face that can also be referred to as "the Daddy phase".  Ya know, the phase where Momma is completely unnecessary and unacceptable for any and all tasks related to their needs if Daddy is home? I remember going through this same thing with Owen, and we're dead in the middle of it again with Aidan.    It's been about 5 months of this Daddy phase with Aidan.  I'm an "acceptable" choice when Daddy isn't home, but the second Daddy does arrive, suddenly I'm chopped liver.  The way this child will scream for his Daddy... man, oh man, you'd think I was ripping off his toe nails with tweezers or something.. it is a full on face-turning-purple, can't take a breath type of crying from the second he hears Daddy until Daddy picks him up.  And, if for some reason Daddy puts him down.. it starts all over.

I'd be lying if I said it doesn't plant a seed of doubt in my mind.. if it doesn''t make me question my abilities as a Mother.. if it doesn't take my self confidence from A-OK all the way down to zero in an instant!  This is the power of your child!!  While I know that taking this "personally" is the wrong thing to do (hello -- irrational 11 month old we're talking about!!), it's still hard to not feel saddened by this.  I keep reminding myself of these same exact feelings I had when Owen went through this.. ironically enough (or, maybe not ironic.. maybe it's just timing) it happened around the same time I was getting ready to have Aidan.. and now again, right when miss Amelia will be arriving soon.. 

I guess part of how I feel about it all is amplified by the fact that I know big changes are coming soon.. Daddy will be spending more time taking care of the boys once Amelia is here and I'll be spending the majority of my time with her trying to establish ourselves a routine.. I keep trying to get in some extra snuggle time with Aidan here and there, but it's almost exclusively met with tears and resistance.  Jas normally does bedtime with Aidan.. he has since he was a baby.. so I tried tonight to switch it up and me do bedtime, hoping maybe I'd get 5 minutes to just hold him and snuggle.. no such luck, he pushed and kicked and whined and cried the entire time.. he was actually happier to go in his crib!  Sigh, epic fail.  Of course, this feeds into my regrets about not being able to nurse him.. I felt the same with Owen, too.. that somehow if we had nursed maybe this phase wouldn't have been so brutal!  All the more pressure to get it right with Amelia ;-)

At the end of the day.. I keep trying to remind myself that it's just a phase.. phases don't last forever.. Owen is very much a Momma's boy now despite going through this same exact phase.. actually, I'd say he's a glorious mix between a Momma's boy and a Daddy's boy..! I know Aidan man will come around.. but in the mean time.. it's just a bumpy ride for this Momma :)

Oh the freedom!

Once upon a time I had 2 little babies.  Where did that time go?!  I know I say this in practically every post I write, but how the heck are my boys growing up so fast!!  It is absolutely amazing, though, to see how quickly their little minds can absorb and apply the things they learn.  We are especially seeing this in Aidan, since he has his big brother to watch all day long.  We used to think Owen was going to be our "tough cookie".. and, don't get me wrong, he can be!! But, Aidan man.. this kid is fearless!  And stubborn.  And, quite the brute!!

 It was literally a matter of weeks.. (and by weeks, I mean maybe 2 weeks) before this little bruiser discovered he could do more than just crawl around the floor.  Him + freedom = a very dangerous thing.  It was to our surprise the night we discovered him crawling up the steps!  I'm honestly not sure who was more terrified.. me, as this now means our family room is no longer a safe room.. and the days of me sitting comfortably on the floor watching him crawl around and play are history.. Owen, who's quickly realizing that his brother is becoming more and more capable by the day.. or, Chunk.. who often has this look like "Seriously.. another mobile thing that wants to suck on my face and spit in my fur??!".  Within the first few days of Aidan learning how to crawl up the steps, we also tried teaching him the "dangers" of falling down the steps.  He wasn't quite understanding that he can't go up 2 steps and then turn around without falling.. but, in the beginning, Jason or I would run over to catch him.  Finally, I said to Jason.. we need to let him do a "supervised" fall.. (the carpets are super padded, and it was only up 1 or 2 steps).. my hope was that he'd realize falling isn't a game, and he can't "play" on the steps.  Yea, that plan was a bust.  The first time Daddy did the "supervised" fall, Aidan thought it was hysterical.  And then did it again.  And again.  And again.  Each time, he'd laugh these huge belly laughs like it's the most fun game he's ever learned.  In one night it became his mission to RACE to the steps, climb up the first and/or second step and do a back roll off them.  Even when we weren't there to catch him.. still laughter.  Oh man, this kid!!!!  We are still working on the "steps aren't for playing!!!" rule.. but, yea, it's not working out so great..........

Speaking of rules.. Aidan pretty much doesn't think they apply to him.  Ever.  When OJo was a baby, we took the approach of "teaching" him the word NO.. and "teaching" him not to touch things he wasn't supposed to.  I didn't want to have to remove everything in my house out of his reach in fear of him breaking things or touching something he shouldn't.. instead, I wanted him to learn that some things don't belong to him and he's not allowed to touch.  He was stubborn.. we'd have to tell him a dozen or more times, and there have been a couple of times early on where he'd get his hand swatted (like, night lights and power cords), but he quickly learned after one or 2 times and that was it.  Overall, OJo may throw a hissy fit over the word no, but he 99% of the time will listen.  Even when he was only ~11 months!  He listened..!  Aidan.  Not so much.  This picture.. this cheeky little smile of his.. if you look closely, you'll see he was playing with the vacuum.. one of his favorite past times.. where Mommy must say, "Aidan don't touch" 3 million times and each time it goes ignored.  The cable box is another nightly battle.  We have Comcast, and for anyone that has the new X1 platform, it is very "computer" based (I hate it, but that's a different story).  So, when a small handed child crawls over and presses the glowing neon green button that controls the power, it's not as simple to turn it back on as just pressing it again.  It's like a computer, everything has to reboot.  And, when you have a toddler who was watching something the exact moment the baby has decided to shut the cable box off (again), it plays out something like this...

Mommy: "Aidan, I swear, DO NOT TOUCH the cable box!!"
Aidan:  mischievous smile.. raises his hand...
Mommy:  "Don't do it Aidan!!!!"
Aidan:  PRESS!
Mommy: "Gahhhhhhh!!!!"
Owen:  "Uh Oh, it's off... Mom, it's off.. Mommy!! It's off"
Mommy:  "I know Owen, I'm sorry.. it will be back in a minute"
Owen:  For the next 5 minutes while it reboots "Uh oh Mom, it's off... Mom, it's off.. It's off, Mom...Dad! Dad, it's off.. Uh oh.. it's off!!!"

For the love of all things, including my sanity!!, Aidan, PLEASE stop turning off the cable!! My patience cannot handle it!  I don't know what is harder.. the fact that Aidan does it over and over again despite us correcting him, or listening to OJo tell us OVER AND OVER again that the TV is off!!  Amelia.. sweet girl, you are lucky.. some nights I really, REALLY miss my wine ;-)

And then, there was the one day.. the one day when Daddy tried swatting his little hand to stop him from pressing the button... we expected tears.. I expected tears!! And then, I expected to yell at Daddy and tell him not to do that again.. except.. Aidan just looked at his hand like "huh, that stings a little".. looked up at Jason like "that didn't hurt!", and then shut the damn cable off!!!!  No fear, this kid!

In addition to fearless, he's also quite clever.. and, can be kind of rough!  Now that Aidan has the freedom to get wherever he wants, OJo often likes to correct him... errr, push him down?  Owen isn't too keen on the fact that Aidan can now come over and touch anything and everything Owen is playing with.  We're working hard on the need to share, and that it's OK if your brother comes over and touches the same toy you're playing with.. you guys can play together.. but, it hasn't really been a success yet.  The cozy coupe is one that has caused a LOT of issues in our house.  Owen likes to get in there and just.. sit.  Aidan will then come over and pull himself up on the side of the car.  Aidan is good, but not that good where he can stand unassisted without holding onto anything for any length of time.. so, Owen gets mad that Aidan is touching his car and will push him off.  Aidan falls down.  Owen proceeds to then RUN HIM OVER with the cozy coupe.  Aidan cries, I yell that's not nice, Owen cries, etc.  I know this is going to happen every. single. time. that Owen gets in the cozy coupe.. however, last week, I had to laugh.. After Owen knocked Aidan off, and then proceeded to run over him, Aidan got smart.. he was being run over anyway, so in the process, he grabbed hold of Owen's legs and pulled.. next thing I know, they are both crying because Aidan pulled Owen off the seat of the car and now they're both stuck underneath the cozy coupe!  Clever little boy.. ;-)  Betchya his brother will think twice about running him over next time!!

Owen's got quite a few new tricks of his own.. aside from pointing out when every and any electronic device is "off", he also likes to alert me of when there's a "mess"... It usually goes something like this.. Owen dumps all the toys out of the bins.. spreads them all over the room (with Aidan's help), and then when I come over he'll say "Heyyyyy... who made a mess??".  Good try, buddy.. I know it was you!!! Sigh, or my other favorite from last week.. evening tubby with them both together.. and, Aidan.. little devil boy.. once again surprised us with some tubby floaters mid-bath.  In the chaos that it ALWAYS is when your kid craps in the tub with his brother in there next to him, I'm scrambling to get them both out and Aidan diapered before any more comes.. and, OJo just stood, pointing in the tub.. "Mom.. there's a mess... mommy!!! Mess!!! There's a mess, Mom!"...... yes, OJo.. I am WELL aware of the floating crap in my tub.. I'm also well aware that I will once again be bleaching it.. and once again be washing all your bath toys.. and once again threatening your brother with indefinite outside tubbies using the hose if he doesn't stop this nonsense!! Sigh, but yes.. you're right, there's a mess!

Some days are tougher than others, but they definitely keep me laughing! And, busy!! I will say, when I was pregnant with Aidan, it was tiring, but honestly wasn't all that bad.  Jason is such a huge help with the kids (or just Owen at the time) that I really don't remember it being that exhausting.  This time, with 2 little ones.. it's a LOT harder physically than I expected!  Mostly because your days and nights are just non-stop.  The tiredness can be tough, but it's more that my body just gets sore.. I also think that's partly due to carrying differently this time (maybe a girl thing?).  But, a lot has to do with constantly being on the move.. picking things up, cleaning up something, carrying someone up or down the steps, chasing someone off the steps, putting someone in time out, oh, and then there's the human jungle gym factor.  If my OB wasn't so awesome and didn't know Jason and I as well as she does, she'd probably have thought I was getting beaten or something!  My poor belly always has bruises!! Little toes, man.. they mark me up!! Between my belly and my thighs, I'm a speckled bruised mess most days!  But, going on the exhaustion thing.. Owen has this fun game he likes to play every. single. night. regardless to how tired I/we are.. it's quite simple.  He grabs you by the hand and you RUN.  Laps around the room.  Over and over again.  Sometimes he'll stop and put some obstacles in the way.  Or, sometimes he'll stop and move obstacles.  But, the running part doesn't change.. and the whole time he'll yell "Yay!! Runny!!".  It's become our motivation to finish dinner.. our motivation to behave (i.e. Owen, if you can't be nice we will not run tonight), and overall the biggest highlight of his day.  I love that he loves to run around.. but holy crap!  And, if Aidan gets involved, which he almost always does, that just adds to the complexity!! He's either speed crawling following us, or clinging to our legs as we run by until one of us picks him up and carries him while we run.  And, in case the pictures aren't doing him justice.. he's a PORK.  I think there's only 3 or 4lbs difference between him and Owen...!

Some days I wonder how much our lives are going to change once miss Amelia comes.  I'm so elated to be having another baby.. so excited to be adding a daughter to our family.. but, there's a part of me that is a little sad knowing how our current routine will have to change.  As tiring and trying on our patience as the boys can be sometimes, they bring so much joy into our lives.. and, they really do make every day fun.  I'm sad because I know that the first few months with a new baby in the house means Mommy is MIA from playtime and "fun stuff".. Just like when we had Aidan.. it took a little while to get everyone into the swing of things.. it will be the same this time, I know.. but I'll miss getting to spend all this time with my boys!  The flip side is.. I'll be creating another new bond.. with a new beautiful and precious little life.. another little to drive me bonkers in, oh 6-9 months give or take ;-)  Days that I feel a bit sad about how they dynamics will change initially with my boys, I just think ahead to a year from now.. when Amelia is Aidan's age.. and Aidan is Owen's age and Owen is 3.. there will be oh so many fun times ahead.. so many smiles, and giggles, and pressing of buttons =)  I really couldn't be more excited to be growing our family!