I'm sure as anyone can imagine, life has been pretty busy here in our home. 3rd trimester + 2 devilish little boys on the go constantly = one tired Momma! There's so much I wish I had blogged about in these past weeks, but alas, it has fallen down on the priority list and sleep won out. So here I am blogging at 3am after waking to pee.. super pregnant.. 37w4d.. the morning of August 28th... stuffing my face with a chocolate entenmann's donut and a yogurt... staring down my final hours of being pregnant and wondering where the heck these last 9 months went!!
I remember when I was pregnant with Owen. We had experienced a 1st trimester loss just a few months before we got pregnant with him. Between that and the new high risk diagnosis I had received for, ya know, a plethora of reasons, my pregnancy was very much filled with worry and nerves. When we made it all the way to 37w3d before delivering him, and I remember thinking shortly after how much I had wished I had "enjoyed" my pregnancy more, instead of being so nervous the entire time. Easier said than done, when you have high risk doctors constantly filling your head with "what if" scenarios and being surprised to still see you pregnant! When I got pregnant with Aidan, I vowed to try and be a lot more relaxed about all the high risk business. I took comfort in knowing that we made it to over 37w without any preterm labor scares, and genuinely did try and relax and enjoy it. But, it all went so fast! I'm not sure why I thought my pregnancy with Amelia would be different, because it hasn't!! I've come to realize I'll never be able to get back that "first time Mom" pregnancy, where I can spend hours thinking about BEING pregnant, and feeling baby moving around, and taking cute maternity pictures. Ha, instead, with Amelia, it's gone by SO lightening fast that so many days I'd forget I even was pregnant until I laid down in bed at night!
Night time is my favorite. It's the only time these days that I truly have some "me" time, and I can just lay there and feel and appreciate her movements. Pregnancy isn't for everyone. Some people really do hate it. I am not one of those people. There is something so special and unique about the bond between a mother and child while in utero. Knowing that it's just me and her.. that she responds to me and me only.. that my body is "growing" her/him.. it's an absolutely amazing and beautiful experience. And, I have to say, of all 3 of my children, she has by far given me the easiest pregnancy as far as scares and even discomfort. With both boys I was in SO much discomfort by the 37w mark that I was honestly glad that they were being delivered... now, over these past few days as I counted down the days to when I will get to hold her all I keep thinking is... I am not ready for it to be over! Don't get me wrong, I absolutely can not wait to meet her and hold her on the outside.. snuggle her and see what she looks like.. start getting to know her personality... shower her with love and affection... but, I'm also sad it's over.
The past several weeks we've been battling blood pressure issues. Up and down fluctuations, elevated protein levels in my pee, headaches and dizzy spells (which cause me to see spots, which I started out thinking were gnats until I realized I looked like a crazy person swatting the air at nothing...). With my history of pre-eclampsia, and both boys ending up being emergency c/s due to the BP spikes, my OB decided this time let's schedule her delivery before it gets too out of hand. So, here we are. Scheduled OR time 2:30pm on August 28th.
I have to say, there are definitely pros and cons about *knowing* that we will be delivering her this afternoon. It's been nice because I was able to make sure I have everything.. and I mean everything planned out for the boys while I'm gone. We have who's coming over at what times and what food is in the house and what the plans are for dinner and who will be doing bathtime and bedtime and when Jason will come home each day to see them, etc all figured out. But.... what I didn't anticipate is the 24 hours of INTENSE anxiety I've had leading up to leaving them. I knew I'd feel anxious.. I did when I delivered Aidan and left Owen for the first time, too.. but, the difference was, I wasn't expecting to deliver Aidan.. so, we were told "head to the hospital, you'll likely be delivered soon".. I had a matter of an hour with Owen saying goodbye and prepping what he'd need in my absence... sure, I remember I cried when I left, but then I headed to the hospital and was consumed with the busy-ness of preparing to deliver, so I didn't really have time to fret over being away. This time, our delivery was decided on Monday. That's given me 3 days. Day 1 and 2 I prepped everything for the boys. Today, I've spent pretty much all day with an extreme amount of anxiety worrying about being away.
I know they will be taken excellent care of. I truly do know that. But, I also know I've never left my boys for more than a few short hours here and there. One time I left them overnight for my Holiday work party last year.... but, aside from that Jas and I have only really left them a handful of times and almost always that was either right before they went to bed or after bed and just for a short period. SO, relinquishing control and handing over 100% responsibility for my kiddos while I'm in the hospital for 4 days has not been something I've taken to lightly. In an attempt to "lighten" my spirits, my Mom jokingly compared me to "bridezilla" except called me "momzilla" instead... in the moment, I didn't take to it nicely (and hung up on her in tears).. but, I understand what she means. I like structure, and routine.. I like knowing what my kids are doing and when they're doing it.. when Jas works from home Mon and Wed I check in with him at least 3 times a day to see how the kids are being for the nanny.. when he's not here, I text the nanny at least once through the day to get an update.. I like and need that reassurance. It's who I am. Overprotective? Maybe. But it's 100% out of genuine love for my boys.. Having 2 babies back to back can be quite tricky.. especially with both of them on the move always in different directions. When you're by yourself and trying to tend to their needs and make sure no one gets hurt while semi trying to keep one or both from having a major meltdown, it can be challenging.. even for me, and I do it 4+ days a week!! So, I apologize to those who will be watching my boys... this Momma has an intense amount of anxiety about being away!!
I'm also much more nervous about the surgery than I thought I'd be. My experiences with Owen and Aidan were quite different between the two. Owen, I remember being so physically ill while they were doing the surgery.. crying telling the anesthesiologist I was going to puke because I was so nauseous and they had to keep injecting me with *something* to keep me from puking, except, then I just kept falling asleep. With Aidan, it was a little different.. they gave me anti-nausea meds before hand, so I didn't have that issue, but instead my BP kept spiking and plummeting which also resulted in me being in and out of consciousness. I LOVE my OB.. she's absolutely awesome.. and I remember listening to her voice a LOT during my delivery with Aidan.. somehow while being busy cutting him out of me and suturing me all back up, she also was the one that kept talking me through to help me stay conscious at parts.. and I clearly remember her being the one calling to them the couple times I did pass out.. the scariest was when I passed out after Aidan was born and when I came back to consciousness him and Jason had already been moved to recovery.. so, all I remembered was waking up and not hearing Aidan crying and not seeing Jason anywhere.. it was a shear moment of panic thinking something was wrong.. again, my OB.. love her.. she quickly calmed me down... so, yea, there's that fear of the unknown.. not exactly sure what to expect.. I'd imagine my BP will probably be super unstable again since that's what's causing me to deliver, but to what degree it affects me during surgery, I just get to wait and find out...! And then of course there's the fear and worry that Amelia comes out perfectly healthy... 37w4d. She will be my "most baked baby", but still considered "pre-mature" because she's born before 39w. Owen was a NICU baby, but Aidan wasn't.. so, all we can do is hope that she's born super strong and healthy and thrives right away! We shall know in less than 12 hours!!!
And then, there's the anxiety that's brewing (though, minimal right now) thinking about how life is going to change. How my boys are going to adjust. How the dynamic between Jason and I will switch. The first few weeks are always the toughest. Finding a new routine.. everyone settling in.. Jason and I getting no sleep, etc. Just like it was tough at first when we brought Aidan home, we aren't sugar coating our memories and expecting this to be any different.. except for maybe a step up in toughness since now there's 2 others at home!! But, I really do think we're ready for it.. and we have a good gameplan. The boys are on great schedules, and hopefully dropping Amelia into the mix will only be a hiccup in their daily routines and the biggest adjustment will be getting her on board without messing them up! Neither of my boys have any real idea what it means when I keep telling them that Amelia is coming.. for a half second a few months ago I thought Owen finally understood.. he would point to the bassinet in my room and say baby.. and then when Amelia's room was complete, he'd point to the crib and say baby.. but, I quickly realized he thinks it's for Aidan... because, whenever I'm in there with both of them, all he does is tell "baby" (Aidan) to get in the crib and do nite-nite. SO, yea. Not quite the understanding I had hoped for!!
In the end.. I go back to remembering how i felt when I had Aidan. I felt anxious about leaving Owen.. I worried about how he'd adjust.. I worried he'd think I didn't love him as much, since my time would now be split between 2 babies.. I worried that I was doing him a disservice by having another and not being able to give him 100% 1-1 attention when I was home. And, I remember journaling about this (before I blogged!!) how those fears were gone by the first week I was home... seeing how great he was with Aidan was just incredible. And now, I can't imagine things ANY other way. Those boys seriously love each other. They look for one another.. they play together.. they snuggle together.. there is no doubt that when people told me I was giving Owen an amazing gift of a sibling that they were right. And, I'm holding on to that for the addition of Amelia, too. I know that despite the small challenges we'll face initially, it will be absolutely amazing to see their love for each other develop and grow in time. Like a puzzle piece, she'll find her place in our family and complete us all the same. I truly can't wait :)
So, now that it's after 4am, I really should try and head back to bed and enjoy the last night of uninterrupted sleep for, ya know, the next 3+ months! But, before I go.. I promised last time to share some pictures of Amelia's beautiful nursery, thanks to Amy Loftus!! It turned out absolutely perfect!! I splurged and had custom bedding designed by The Baby Guy out in California... they were absolutely amazing to work with and the final product could not be any more perfect! I'd hands down do it again in a heartbeat! And then my sister and her amazing talent free hand drew the design for the tree to match the fabric of the bedding... it's so elegant, yet whimsical.. just perfect for our little lady :)
So here I am.. signing off! Wish us luck tomorrow as our family of 4 expands to a family of 5! I think it's tough to find time to blog now....! I'm sure it'll probably be several weeks before I find the time or energy to post again, but I promise I will return! This blog will be invaluable to me when my kiddos are bigger... remembering all these little memories that can so easily slip your mind will be amazing to look back on one day :)
