The Dish Washing Desire

It's funny how sometimes you feel like you can't really speak your mind, because you're afraid of being judged.  Perhaps that's just me, and my strange hang up on what people around me are thinking.  Regardless, today I bring to the blog some brutal honesty, with the hopes of no judgement!

We are on week 11 now of my maternity leave.  11 weeks home with the kids.. trying to get everyone acclimated to the new routine of having 3 and not 2.. trying to get Amelia on some kind of sleep schedule.. hell, forget the schedule, just some kind of habit where she naps daily would be nice!  And, ya know, a nap must be defined as a period of sleep that lasts longer than 30 minutes once I've put her down.  The 57 different 10 minute catnap things she does after she's finished nursing do not count!  I digress.  Sort of.  Jas works from home on Monday and Wednesday, which is awesome because it gives me a helping hand for the toughest portions of the day (i.e. lunch time and dinner prep).  Tuesdays are usually a breeze because I know J will be home on Wednesday.  Thursdays and Fridays are tougher.  By the end of the week, I'm tired.  The house needs to be cleaned, again.. the kids start getting antsy.. everyones' routines start going all haywire because the weekend is approaching, etc.

Today really was a pretty decent day.  The morning started off great.. boys slept in until 8:45, Amelia slept until 6:15, everyone woke pretty happy.. it was good!  Owen is in that phase where he likes to watch a movie, and once he decided he "likes" it, we then must watch it every. single. day. of. our. lives!  For the past few weeks it's been Mickey's Once Upon a Christmas (or Twice upon a Christmas.. Mickey 1 or Mickey 2 he calls them).  I had run out last night to the store to pick up a few things I needed, and I bought him Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas.  We attempted watching that this morning, except every time music played (which happens like every 2 minutes in the 30 minute show!) Owen would frantically start saying "all done, Mom!  Mickey Christmas now, pleaseeeeeeee Mom?".. So, yea.. the Grinch wasn't really a hit. 

Naptime came.  The normal routine is I feed the boys lunch, change them and put them down around 1pm, and then come down nurse Amelia and she goes down, too.  On the most glorious of days, all 3 will sleep for at least an hour.  Today, not so much.  Aidan has been going through this anti-sleep phase, too.  When you put him down he screams like he's being tortured and then often just lays in there babbling/whining/hollering for me to come get him.  The other night (again, I digress), he pitched such a huge fit that he threw himself down in the crib and busted his lip open.. blood all over his sheets, his mouth.. yep, lots of fun!  Anyway, to my surprise they both went down easily, so I mistakenly thought I was going to get time to shower today!  Go down to feed Amelia, who is WIDE awake and cooing and happy as can be.. of course, not at all ready to go to sleep.. I feed her, rock her, get her nice and content when I realize hmmm.. she smells kinda bad.. so I figure okay, let me try changing her quickly without disrupting her sleepy state.. ummm, yea, that didn't happen because my girl was FULL of poop.  Legit.  Like, up to and INSIDE her belly button.  Which then required an impromptu tubby.  Which then required the entire swaddle, rock and get to sleep process to have to start all over again.  And, wouldn't you know, the second I get her to sleep, Aidan begins calling my name!  So, I quickly emptied the dishwasher and retrieved the hooting child before he woke up Owen, too.  No break for this Momma!

By the time 5pm rolled around.. Amelia was screaming to eat at the exact moment I needed to start dinner and both my boys had decided to put me on mute apparently because NO ONE listened to a thing I said.. and this was anything from don't hit your brother to don't open the oven!  Did not matter, no one listens after 5pm.. it's just a rule they have.. a pact.. a brotherly pact.  Today, thanks to Aidan's boycott of naps, we had 2 head injuries in a matter of 5 minutes time.  In his sleepy, delirious "I will not listen to Mom" state of mind, he headbutted the corner of my kitchen wall TWICE.  Legit.  He whacked his head, I picked him up, we iced it, I put him back down, turned around to finish making dinner and he whacks it again.  To which I then put him in his highchair.. confinement!  Needless to say, I very much watch the clock and wait.. wait for the glorious moment that Daddy walks in the door.  Because, I know that a second pair of hands.. and perhaps a short break for me is on the horizon!

Jas and I usually split up the evening tasks.  He walks in, we all eat dinner.. I take the kids and bathe them, play with them, burn the last bits of energy while Daddy packs up the food and does the dishes before coming out and joining us before bedtime.  Most people would probably think I have it made!  My husband does the dishes almost every single night!  It is really a nice gesture.. and I love that he's so helpful!  Seriously, we have 3 babies so close in age because teamwork is something we've mastered.. he is fantastic.  But.  But!  Some nights.. especially on Thursdays and Fridays.. it is I who has the desire to stand at the sink scrubbing the pots and pans. 

Dishes used to be a tedious task that no one wanted to do.  But, some nights I feel like it's the chore that we are both secretly hoping to get assigned.  Manning 3 kids who are sleepy, cranky and unruly, the boys both wild and crazy burning off that sugar rush that came from the "treat" they were rewarded after eating dinner.. it's exhausting, especially after a long day.  And, I often don't say anything, because I know he's just as tired, too, from working all day... but, sometimes.. just sometimes... I need that break, too.  I love my kids and I would not change the craziness that is our lives for a second.. but, every once in a while.. I need to be the one standing alone in the kitchen, with the sound of the running water drowning out the shrieks and screams and calls for my name..!  Sometimes it's that tiny bit of a break that helps me regroup myself and give me that last push to get through the bedtime craziness.

Tonight, we compromised.  Daddy did most of the dishes.. until Mommy came in and took over.. and then proceeded to stay in the kitchen and bake cupcakes and brownies while Daddy put the boys' to bed. 

Holy whirlwind!

 I don't quite think the term whirlwind is a strong enough word to describe the chaos that has been our lives these past two months!  The beginning weeks with a newborn are always difficult.. we were expecting that fully.. but, a newborn AND 2 very needy toddlers does make it extra challenging!  I think for Jas and I the biggest adjustment has been dealing with sleep deprivation.  And, for me, adjusting to the differences between a breastfed baby versus a formula fed baby.

First.  Sleep.  Oh dear God!  For those of you who don't adequately value sleep... THINK AGAIN!  Sleep is such a huge necessity, and something I will never take for granted!  Amelia, my sweet, beautiful little lady... she has started off very much ANTI sleep.  Actually, that's a lie.. the first 3 weeks she did decent.. 2-3 hour stretches consistent throughout the day and night.  Exactly what you'd expect from a newborn.  That was easy, and predictable.  It was the rebellion that occurred around week 3 when she decided sleeping wasn't necessary, and instead she'd wake up 2-3 times a night, but then stay awake for 2-3 hours each time, resulting in two very exhausted parents!  I had no choice but to learn to function off of 3 and 4 hours of broken sleep a night.  I am almost afraid to speak the words aloud, but... we have had a week or so with more good nights than bad.. so, I'm very optimistic that we will soon be turning a corner.  Still by no means are we in the clear.. but, I can at least see straight and the deep purple circles that have been permanently fixed under my eyes are starting to fade!

Then there's the breastfeeding challenges.  I almost want to write an entire post about this.. and, maybe I will another day.. but for now I'll just say that it has been one of the most difficult challenges for me, and one that hasn't quite "paid off" the way I expected.  Long story short, I wasn't able to nurse either of my boys.. Owen never worked out because of his NICU stay, and Aidan didn't work out because he wasn't gaining weight.. I was determined to make it work this time.. I AM determined to make this work.. but, it hasn't been easy.. not at all!  I will openly admit to being the type who likes to have a good deal of control over certain things.. with nursing.. it's been an entirely new approach having to learn to "trust" my body.  In the beginning of our journey (and our new Pedi probably thinks I'm a huge wingnut), I kept taking Amelia in for weight checks to make sure she was gaining.  I finally have more confidence in the fact that she is indeed getting enough, but I still feel like we're constantly battling challenge after challenge.  We've been facing some GI issues.. definitely dealing with reflux, which is being treated with medication (though it's not fully helping), perhaps some milk protein sensitivities (hello dairy free diet.. you SUCK), and maybe even a bit of colic thrown into the mix.  We have an appointment with a GI specialist this month, and I'm really hopeful that together we can get her to a more comfortable place so that we are all a bit.. happier!

I envisioned nursing being this amazingly incredible experience.. me feeding her, looking down at her.. bonding.. filled with this feeling of empowerment knowing that I was able to provide for her and that it would just be beautiful and serene.  I wasn't prepared for a baby who screams at the breast, is constantly pulling off shrieking in pain, thrashing around, biting and bruising me, the tears from us both, etc.  It has just.. not at all been the pleasant experience that I hoped for...yet!  I know she's gaining.. and I know that once we can sort through whatever it is that's causing her discomfort we'll find that joyful place in our nursing relationship.  We just aren't there yet.  Yet.

And to think I thought getting a decent picture of my boys was tough!! Trying to capture all 3 is nearly impossible!

Month 3, so far, has started off much better than the first two.  Again, hoping we're at that corner where the light has been hiding with regards to sleep!  My boys are absolutely incredible with Amelia.   OJo is my little helper.. in every way!  He helps to console her when she's crying (often by pulling my shirt down insisting she wants to eat!), helps me pat her back when she needs to be burped, and even brings me diapers and insists on watching me (and often trying to help me!!) clean and change her.

Aidan's interest in her is ever growing... and we've made strides of progress with his interactions with her.  When we first brought her home, he wasn't exactly the gentlest giant you've ever met... he very much lived up to his nickname, bruiser.  We've gotten to a point now that he does genuinely want to be around Amelia and pay her attention, but we're still working on teaching him how to be gentle.  For example, pivoting all your weight on her tummy so you can lean in and headbutt kiss her isn't exactly the type of love that makes her smile and coo.  He also likes to "pat" her tummy when she's laying on the floor.. but, his pats are more like grabs.  I kept trying to figure out why I was finding little red marks on Amelia's belly and eventually realized when he was patting/grabbing her belly, he was actually pinching her a bit and not just gripping her clothing.  Sigh, it really is a work in progress.  We don't want to discourage his interest in her, but we also feel like we are 100% on guard whenever he comes near!  I don't remember there being this much of a learning curve with Owen when we brought Aidan home.  Just goes to show how different each child can be!

Supervising interactions with Amelia is only a part of my day.  The rest of the time I'm a full on referee between the boys.  Legit, I am asking for a striped shirt and whistle for Christmas!! Now that Aidan is stable on his feet, full fledged wrestling matches ensue between the two of them.. often started by child 2, not the oldest!  Owen.. he's definitely our sensitive child.. he often doesn't "fight back" or even defend himself from his bully brother.  We're working on the right way to handle this.. we want OJo to stand up for himself, but I also don't want to encourage him to be too rough with his brother.. but, sometimes him being such a "softy" makes him even more of a target.  It's a tough balance.  I see a very similar pattern in my nephews, though, and I wonder if this is just "the life" of a 2nd child verses a first child.. first being more passive and second more aggressive.

 October was a great month... not only is it my favorite month of the year, but it was also a lot of fun for the kids with all the Halloween festivities that fill up the month.  A few weeks before Amelia's arrival, a very pregnant and very desperate Momma started playing Halloween music to entertain her children.. at the time, I thought it was a great idea and the boys loved it!  2 months later, (and we still had a few weeks to go before Halloween) I was wishing Monster Mash and This is Halloween had never been created!  Needless to say, there were lots of silly dance parties and pretending to be zombies, ghosts and ghouls up in here!

 Daddy also had to go away for work for a week, which could have been a disaster, but thank goodness my Mom came by and helped out.  At the time, Amelia still wasn't sleeping much at all, so I was more than grateful for the help!  Mommom always comes over ready to party and play -- and, to clean and organize!  I'm not sure what I was more grateful of.. her helping out with entertaining the boys or her helping clean and organize essentially my entire house.  She also invented a new game -- diaper box towers.  I guess with 3 in diapers, its not really a shocker to see how many boxes we can accrue in a months time -- pampers really must love us!  For real, it amazes me how the simplest things can provide HOURS of entertainment.  These boxes became the hottest toy in the house -- between creating towers to knock over, castles to walk through and trains to crawl on top of my kids were entertained for weeks!  So, anyone buying Christmas gifts for my kids this year.. skip the gift and just give them a box!

We also had my nephews over for an evening of pumpkin painting.  I was really surprised by how interested my boys were in this!  I admit, I am the least artsy person in the world, and for that reason I don't often do a whole lot of art related projects with the kids.  In my opinion, it's a WHOLE lot of mess for a very short window of entertainment.  However, after seeing how much of an interest they had in painting their pumpkins, I'll have to bite the bullet on this one and let them do more arts and crafts type projects in the future.

It was super cute to see all four boys sitting shirtless around the table painting their pumpkins.  As you can see, my nephews took this project very seriously and were intently focused on creating masterpieces.  They take after their Mommy!

 I was shocked to see how well Owen did with grasping the concept of rinsing his brush in between colors and not mixing his "palette".

 Aidan, on the other hand, was a bit more adventurous with the paint.  Thank goodness I chose Crayola washable finger paints for him and not the acrylic stuff the big kids were using!  I'm quite confident more paint landed on him and on his pumpkin.  This little blondie is so full of spunk I can't even explain it!

October was full of all sorts of "firsts".. I also ventured out to Target for the first time with all three kids to pick out a Halloween costume for Aidan.  Spoiler alert:  I'll never be attempting that mission again!  The grand plan was to meet my Mom and Sister over at target, and perhaps if the boys were good head to the mall.  Have I mentioned before about Aidan having issues with motion sickness?  This kid!  Ever since he was a baby he would SCREAM bloody hell every time we were in the car.  We just assumed he would outgrow it.  Well, instead, around a first birthday he stopped screaming, and now just vomits almost every time we go more than 10 minutes in the car.  It actually really sucks.. I feel so bad for him.  I get car sick, so I can absolutely relate.  The poor kid doesn't even cry in the car anymore, he just thrashes from side to side and moans until he starts puking.  Once we realized that the barfing incidents weren't just a fluke and that he really was sick from the car, I came up with this great idea to get one of those rubber bibs with the pouch on the bottom to catch food, except for him it would catch puke!  Score.. ingenious idea!  So, here we are heading to target, after it took 2 hours to get everyone dressed and fed and loaded into the car.. Amelia is sleeping, Owen is happy and Aidan has his barf bib on.  The whimpering started just as we were a few minutes away from the exit, followed by the signature cough-and-vomit event. But, no worries, right, he's got that bib on!! It really was a great idea, I just overlooked one major flaw.. once the barf is caught in the bib, what's a 1 year old to do??  Play in it, of course!! And, as if splashing his hands in vomit isn't bad enough, flipping the bib upside down so that the puke goes everywhere is an awesome game, too.  So. So. Gross. And of course, I didn't think to bring extra clothes, because I thought for sure the bib would work.  There I stood, in target parking lot, cleaning up vomit.  I should have known that was just a sign to turn around and go home!  But, no.. in we went, with Aidan smelling rancid.  I'd like to say the rest of the trip improved, but it didn't.. Aidan was whiney the entire time, which meant someone had to carry him, which then made Owen mad and caused him to refuse to sit in the cart requiring another person to hold him, and Amelia, well, I can't really blame her since she was only 5ish weeks old!  We looked like major idiots, I'm sure.. pushing an empty cart and each carrying a kid.  The only upside of the trip was that the awesome target employee found us a clearanced costume for Aidan - super nice of her!!  I'd like to say that saving the $ on the clearanced costume was worth the hassle, but it so wasn't!

 Halloween itself was a lot of fun this year!  Owen thought it was incredible to go Trick-or-Treating with all the big kids.. the "guys" as he called them were comprised of my two nephews, 5 and 7, and a friend of my Sister and her troupe of 4 ranging in age between 3-7.  Owen was constantly trying to keep up with the bigger kids, often pleading for them to wait for him and let him "knock" on the doors.  I thought I was doing him a favor, one time, by skipping a house ahead of the big kids so we'd get there first and Owen could knock.. but, he ended up being too afraid of the wreath on the door and refused to get close enough to knock.  Go figure.  Aidan was a trooper, too.  Despite puking in the car on the way to my Mom's, he bounced back quickly and had just as much fun as the older kids.  In the mad rush to get 3 kids dressed and ready and out the door, I of course forgot my camera and didn't get a Halloween picture, but, we had a Halloween birthday party that weekend and I was able to snap this shot of them in their costumes.  My cheeky little buzz lightyear and the fattest baby owl you've ever seen in your life!

Happy Birthday, Amelia!

  

Amelia Quinn.  Our beautiful first daughter arrived perfectly healthy at 3:35pm on August 28th, 2014 weighing 6lbs 13oz and 19 3/4" long.  After 37+ weeks, meeting this little beauty was everything we imagined it would be.  My sweet Amelia.  She has become the most perfect addition to our growing family!  This post will be more for me.. remembering the day of her birth.. remembering some of those finer details that can often be forgotten!

Jas and I checked into the hospital around 12:30ish.  I remember sitting in OB triage waiting area, waiting for the nurse to come and take us up to OR traige... it was so surreal.  Jas and I were both updating Facebook statuses, fidgeting to release some of the nervous energy that was building.. both trying to contain our excitement and nerves over what was to come over the next few hours.  One of the nicer aspects of a planned c/s was that it was just Jas and me together in the OR triage area.  It gave us some last minute time to just.. sit in silence!!  Legit, I think the majority of our wait we didn't really say much to each other.. both likely thinking the same things.. wondering how our lives were about to change, again.. praying that everything would go smoothly and that our daughter would arrive perfectly healthy.. neither one of us admitting how nervous we were.. but, each being able to sense it in the tight squeeze we had between our hands.. Go figure, I was being delivered for high blood pressure, and yet my blood pressures before delivery were gorgeous - lower than they'd been in weeks!   I chalk that up to my awesome OB and the extreme confidence I had that everything was going to go perfect with her delivering us.

The actual delivery itself was mostly uneventful, which was awesome, since I had a lot of anxiety over what to expect.  Before we got started, all the nurses were joking with me asking if I got "frequent flyer miles" at the hospital or some special discount since this was my 3rd delivery in just over 2 years!  If only it worked that way!! Then we got started, and holy hell, the spinal was awful.. way worse than my first two.  When the anesthesiologist was trying to get the needle in, she kept "hitting" something that was sending shooting pains down my left side.. like, perhaps some of the worst pain I've ever felt in my life.  The nurse who was in charge of "calming me" during the procedure kept saying "just relax your shoulders and curl your back".. ummmmmmm.. pretty hard to relax when I feel like someone is stabbing me in my spine.. oh wait, someone WAS stabbing me in my spine!  I don't remember crying during my other spinals, but this time I definitely did...!  Again, my OB is awesome and suggested they numb me some more before they tried inserting it for the 10th time (maybe an exaggeration, but maybe not.. I seriously lost count after 3)!  Once that was in properly and I was numbed up, we were good to go.  I will give the anesthesiologist some props for keeping the meds in me good.. I didn't have any issues with blacking out or getting sick.. she was very on top of my stats and overall I felt the best during this surgery than I did either time before, so that was good.

I remember it all happening super fast.. I felt like as soon as I laid down and they made sure I was good and numb, they brought Jason in and within minutes Miss Amelia was out crying!  I do remember one of the nurses asking J if he wanted to "look" as she was being delivered and his response was "Na, I'm good right here", to which she replied "nothing wrong with a man who knows his limits!".  That made me laugh!  J learned his lesson when he looked too soon during Aidan's delivery.. scarred him for life!! This time, he waited for them to hold her up before peeking!  The nurses this time were fantastic.  They took so many pictures for us -- really, super nice of them! I also liked that they kept Jas and Amelia in the room with me for longer this time.. I got to see her a lot more while they were piecing me all back together, which was nice.  To me, at least, it felt like it all went much quicker than before, and soon we were on our way to recovery!

We waited a few days before having my Mom bring the boys over to meet their newest sibling.  I remember when we had Aidan that it scared Owen seeing me hooked up to an IV and not able to get out of bed, so I wanted to make sure I was up and moving around before they came to visit.  Aunt Mimi also came by to take some pictures of Amelia.. and pictures just wouldn't be complete without a hair pouf that was bigger than her head!  After all, I spent months purchasing and putting them all together.. of course she had to start wearing them right out of utero!  I think the reality of having a daughter really sunk in when I saw Jason holding her.  There is something so powerful about watching the man you love embrace their child.  I think for me it has to do with the fact that as a Mother, I have the entire pregnancy to bond with the baby since he/she is growing inside of me, but for him.. those moments of bonding come in the first hours and days of meeting the baby.  It's such an incredible thing.. to see the love he has for that little baby.. I've fallen in love with him more and more with each child we've welcomed into this world. 

 So here we are.  A family of 5!  Having the boys there to meet Amelia was even more incredible than I anticipated.  I honestly thought they'd probably show very little interest and instead be more intrigued about what trouble they could get into in the hospital room, but to my surprise their reactions were quite different.  Owen, especially, was immediately interested in Amelia.  Every sound she made, every expression on her face.. Owen reacted to it all!  The laughing picture.. he could not get over her sticking out her tongue. To him, that was the funniest thing ever!  I think if my heart could have burst with joy, it would have in those first moments of seeing my 3 kids all together.  The amount of love in that room was indescribable!  Even Aidan.. my little bruiser.. he wasn't quite sure what to make of her, but he too was drawn in by her tiny expressions and little shrieks.

Now, 10 weeks later, these three are inseparable!  Hopefully now that we're starting to get some more sleep on a slightly more predictable schedule I'll be able to catch up on the whirlwind that has been the past 2 months!  Keep an eye out for more posts!