Parenting Fail: Tonka Joe

Parenting comes with all sorts of challenges; some are minor, while others can be quite difficult.  One of the biggest challenges, likely because it's one you face every day, is trying to be a "good" parent.  Good is relative, of course.  At the end of the day, I often find myself recapping the day and wondering how well I did as a Mom.. was I able to make my kids laugh and smile?  Did we have fun?  Was I able to keep my patience in check?  Was I consistent with the way that I handled the tantrums and fits that are inevitable with a 1 and 2 year old?  Did I remember to shower, eat and drink something?  Do I think my kids would remember this day as a positive one?  My goal is for the answers to always be yes.. but every once in a while, that answer is no.

Back in October, Jason had to go away for work.  Amelia was about 6 weeks old, and sleeping maybe 6 minute intervals (I exaggerate, slightly), and the boys were still wild and crazy trying to adjust to having a new baby sister in the house.  Not to mention the flood of post partum hormones I still had pumping through my veins as my body was trying to adjust.  My Mom had helped me out a lot that week, and for that I am so grateful!  I would have surely sunk without that help!

One of the nights she (my Mom) was here, she took Owen up to bed for me.  I nursed Amelia and listened to her and Owen over the monitor.  Owen had chosen a book to read for bed.. Tonka Joe.. this isn't a book I've ever read to him before, just one he randomly selected from his book shelf.  I hear my Mom and him laughing and cheering and shouting through the whole book.. they had SO much fun reading it.  It wasn't until she came downstairs that she told me she made the whole thing up because she didn't have her glasses on so she couldn't actually see the words.  But, the two of them laughed the whole time.  It was a really sweet moment to listen in on.

Shortly after, my Mom headed home.  An hour or more goes by and I can see Owen is still up on the monitor, despite me telling him it's bedtime numerous times.  I've just gotten Amelia to bed, and was hoping to try and get some sleep myself, too.. but, alas, he's sitting in his crib bouncing up and down throwing something all around laughing.. what is he throwing?  I have no idea.  Finally, curiosity got the best of me and I went in to see what it is.. he had taken his Tonka Joe book and SHREDDED it.  Confetti.  A thousand little tiny pieces.  And there he was, sitting in the middle of this mess with this little develish grin on his face tossing the pieces up in the air laughing.  I. Almost. Lost. It.  I instantly shouted WHAT DID YOU DO.  In a pure fit of my own anger, I grabbed him up, quite roughly, smacked his hand, and sat him on the floor against the wall as I then cleaned up the shredded book.  I was so angry with him.  I cleaned everything up yelling that Tonka Joe is gone, and he's in the trash, and that this was such a bad thing to do, how he ruined his book, etc etc etc.. I put him back in his bed, without his blanket or bear guy or any of his other toys and told him you get nothing now for bed.  Stormed out of his room.  Slammed his door.  And sat down in the hall right outside and cried, while he cried in his crib.

After a few minutes, I had cooled down and felt like absolute shit for letting my anger and frustration and exhaustion get the best of me and I went back in.  I picked him up, hugged him, apologized, and we talked.  We talked about how he knows better, and how it's not nice to ruin his things.. and how him and Mommom had so much fun reading Tonka Joe and now he won't ever get to do that again, and how that made Mommy sad and how that should make him sad, etc etc etc.

That was the last book ripping experience we had.  And the last time we discussed Tonka Joe.

Fast forward about 4 months to a week ago.  Our current bedtime story line up consists of Mercer Meyer "Beach with Dad", and another random book that my neighbor had given us called "My Mom is Great".  In the Mom is Great book there's one page that says:  My mom always knows when I've done something wrong, but she never stays angry with me for long.  We read this book every night and never before has it elicited a reaction.  As he's sitting on my lap, and I finished reading that line, he turned and looked at me and said "angry like Tonka Joe, Mommy?"  It caught me by surprise, but I said "Yes, Owen, angry like when you ripped your Tonka Joe book"..."and when you shut the door?".. "Yes, how I shut the door".. "And when you grabbed my arms (as he held up his arms)?".. "Yes, Owen.. when I grabbed your arms..".."and spanked my hand, and Ojo cried?", shamefully I softly replied "yes."..  "And when Tonka Joe went in the trash...".. "yes, Owen... " At this point, now I have tears filling my eyes thinking I've scarred him forever from that night... I apologized again for what happened.. and me yelling at him.. it's honestly the first time I ever really lost my temper with him.. and it saddens me to know that he remembers it SO vividly 4+ months later.  His ability to recount every detail of that night just caught me by such surprise.. and, instantly I felt so incredibly guilty.

Seriously.  Parenting can be so difficult.  And, I try.. I try my hardest to be patient and kind, forever loving while being consistent with our parenting decisions.. but, sometimes you lose your cool.  What's scary is that one bad day for me could mean a forever long bad memory for him.  While I'm thrilled we haven't had any more book ripping situations (from Owen, at least).. I'm not proud of the fact that our "end" to book ripping was a result of Momma losing her patience.